Columbia – In an emergency conference call, a hastily assembled coalition of South Carolina’s politicians, bloggers, newspaper reporters, strategists, and inmates crafted plans to protest a newly announced rally by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
...The Rally to Preemptively Restore Honor to South Carolina will be held on the same day as the Stewart/Colbert rally, October 30, but due to National Park Service rules about overlapping events, the South Carolina rally will begin at 4 a.m.
“We’ll be all be meeting at the corner of South Carolina Ave. and Independence Ave. and carpooling to the Lincoln Memorial,” said U.S. Senate Candidate Alvin Greene, who was asked to publicize and organize the event because of his proven method of frugal yet effective campaigning. “We picked that location for symbolic reasons, but unfortunately we didn’t realize how far it would be to walk from there to the mall, so please call me if you’re planning on driving and you have a bus or minivan.”
...The preliminary speaking list includes:
- Governor Mark “Hiking the Trail” Sanford
- Lt. Governor André “Don’t Feed the Poor” Bauer
- Former Treasurer Thomas “convicted of conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute cocaine” Ravenel
- Former State School Board chair Kristin “alleged erotic fiction author” Maguire
- Sen. Jim “Drink the Koolaid” DeMint
- Sen. Lindsey “Goes both ways (on political issues)” Graham
- Rep. Joe “YOU LIE!” Wilson
- Former Rep. Arthur “NAACP = Nat. Assn. of Retarded People” Ravenel
- State Sen. Nikki “So transparent you see right through her” Haley
- State Sen. Jakie “Nikki’s a raghead” Knotts
- U.S. Senate Candidate Alvin “I did too campaign” Greene
- Dr. George “I was trying to fix the gay kid” Rekers
- Kaitlin “Miss Teen South Carolina” Upton
Maybe we should have let them secede.